


The Curse of the Missing Coffee Machine

by pupeez4eva



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 15:53:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14524032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pupeez4eva/pseuds/pupeez4eva
Summary: When Seaver tries to prank on Reid by hiding the coffee machine, she doesn't expect the reaction she gets. Everyone is hysterical, talking about how 'it' is happening again...what exactly is 'it' and why does it have everyone - even Hotch - so afraid of Reid?





	The Curse of the Missing Coffee Machine

**Author's Note:**

> This is a really old fic that I wrote and posted on ff.net back in 2012. I've just fixed it up a bit and decided to upload it here. Hope you enjoy it :)

"You did  _WHAT?"_

Emily's horrified scream echoed through the bullpen. Heads swivelled as people turned to stare at the normally put-together women.

"Um...did I say something wrong?" Seaver felt her brow furrow in confusion. Emily was one of the people she got along with most at the BAU, and the women was usually so professional and calm. It was uncharacteristic of her to get this upset for no reason.

"You didn't just  _say_ something wrong!" Emily snapped, almost hysterically. "You  _did_ something wrong! So, so, so,  _so_ wrong!"

"I...I just hid the coffee machine..." Seaver felt herself growing more confused by the second.

"She  _hid the coffee machine?"_ someone whispered from the crowd of spectators.

"No one was using it..." she continued.

Emily stared at her as if she was crazy." _Reid_ was using it!"

"Well, yeah." Seaver shrugged her shoulders. "That was the point...it was supposed to be a prank..."

"A prank," Emily repeated, sounding faint. "You wanted to prank Reid...by taking away the coffee machine?" 

"Yeah." Something uncertain twisted in Seaver's gut. She couldn't understand why this was such a big deal, or why everyone was looking at her as if she had done the unthinkable. "I wasn't hurting anyone..."

"Not  _hurting_ anyone?" Emily looked at her as if she was crazy. "Do you even know what you've done?"

"It was just a prank!" Seaver snapped, feeling slightly hurt by Emily's behaviour. "I don't see why everyone - literally everyone, I mean, why do they even care? - thinks its such a big deal. Morgan and Garcia and sometimes even Reid play pranks on everyone, and no one ever cares about it - why is it such a big deal if  _I_ do it?"

"Seaver," Emily said, "you can play as many pranks as you want - but the coffee machine is, and always will be, off limits."

"And why is that?" 

Emily shuddered, her expression darkening. She whispered one word.

"Reid."

"Reid?" Seaver's brow furrowed in confusion. "I don't get it."

"What don't you get?" The sound of Derek Morgan's voice made both women swivel their heads around. The man was only just entering the room, and frowned in confusion at the looks on everyones faces.

"Hey, is everything alright?"

"Morgan," Emily whispered, "it's happened again."

For a moment Morgan looked confused. Then a looking of dawning horror began to spread on his face.

"Oh no," he breathed. "You don't mean...?"

"The coffee machine," Emily confirmed. "It's gone."

Morgan sank to the floor, whispering a barely audible mantra of, "No, no, no."

"This can't be happening again," someone whimpered from the crowd of onlookers.

"We've got to get out of here!" someone else cried.

"I don't have a car!" sobbed another. "I'll never make it out on time!"

"He's going to kill me!"

"I never thought I'd have to look into the eyes of the devil again!"

" _WHAT_ is going on?" Seaver demanded. "And seriously - the  _devil?"_

Emily and Morgan looked at each other and simultaneously shuddered.

"Reid," they said, at the same time.

"Reid," Seaver repeated, her voice dead-pan. "Your telling me that  _Reid's_ the one freaking everyone out this much?"

"You weren't there the last time..." Emily whispered. "You haven't seen the horrors we saw on that day..."

"This is Reid we're talking about, right?" Seaver raised one eyebrow. "Reid, the sci-fi nerd. Reid the prodigy. Reid who never shuts up. Reid with the worst taste of fashion in existence. Reid who knows absolutely everything. Reid - our friend, Reid?"

"You only know the nice side of Reid," Morgan murmured. "You haven't seen his other side - his...coffee-less side."

"Coffee-less?" All three members of the BAU spun around to see Hotch standing behind them, a stony expression on his face. Rossi and Garcia flanked him on either side. "You know that word is banned from this building, and anywhere in a 30-mile radius.  _He_ could be listening."

Seaver let out a little laugh. "Okay. You brought Hotch into your little joke too? How'd you manage that?"

" _Joke?"_ Morgan exclaimed incredulously. "You think this is a  _joke?_ This is a matter of life and death, women - there is no joking!"

"Morgan," Garcia said, shuddering, "I don't like it when you talk like that...it makes me think of what happened..."

"Don't worry, Garcia," Hotch assured her. "That will never happened again. No one in this building is idiotic enough to move the coffee machine."

Seaver felt her temper flair. "What the  _hell_ is going on?"

"Sir, I'm afraid it  _is_  happening again" Emily choked out. "Seaver moved the coffee machine."

"Seaver," Hotch said, sharply, "is this true?"

" _Yeah_ it's true" Seaver snapped. "I don't see what the big deal is. They -" she made a sharp little gesture in Emily and Morgan's direction, " - seem to think that Reid is going to come after us or something. Ridiculous, huh?"

Hotch stared at her for a moment. "Seaver," he said at last, "If we come out of this alive, your fired."

Seaver stared.

"I can't believe this is happening!" Garcia burst into tears. "I only just got over the nightmares and..its happening again!"

"I never even got to get married for the fourth time," Rossi whispered, staring off into space.

"Maybe it won't be so bad," Hotch soothed. "Maybe if we sacrifice the one who took the machine away, he'll leave the rest of us alone."

"Hey!" Seaver glared. "No ones sacrificing me until I get some answers. What the  _hell_ is going on?"

"You weren't there the last time..." Emily choked. "You don't know..."

"Know what?" Seaver demanded. "Tell me!"

Garcia burst into hysterical tears. "I can't do this!" she wailed. "It's all too much..."

She ran crying out of the room. Seaver stared incredulously at her disappearing back.

"It happened not too long ago." Seaver whirled around at the sound of Rossi's voice. The man seemed to have gotten ahold of himself, though a haunted look remained in his eyes. "The coffee machine broke down -" His voice cracked and he took a shuddering breath. "Sorry," he murmured, once he had regained control of himself. "Those words are always hard to say. For all of us."

"The coffee machine broke down?" Seaver repeated. The entire bullpen simultaneously shuddered.

"It's on the list of the forbidden," Morgan said. "Along with 'the coffee machine is gone' and 'the coffee machine has been moved' and 'the coffee machine is out of coffee' and...oh god, I think I'm going to be sick..." Morgan pressed his hands to his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut.

"So, yes," Rossi continued, briefly shooting a concerned glance at Morgan, before turning his attention back to Seaver, "The coffee machine...well you know what happened- none of us thought anything off it. It wasn't a big deal - no one even used the thing. Well, no one but Reid."

"I want my mom," someone sobbed.

"Okay. The coffee machine broke down. What next?"

"Don't say that!" Rossi snapped. "Jesus women, do you know what traumatic events resurface from those simple words? You have no idea what we went through on that day!"

Seaver flung her arms in the air. "So tell me!" 

"I...I can't," Rossi whispered. "I can't talk about it...it's too difficult. I still have the teeth marks..."

Seaver dropped her hands to her sides, and stared at Rossi incredulously.  _"What?"_

"We all have scars from that day, Seaver," Hotch said, placing a comforting hand on Rossi's shoulder. "Don't act so surprised. Mine reside on the hairline."

"Shoulder blades," Emily said. "Both of them. I still feel pain every morning."

"Left buttocks," Morgan muttered.

" _Reid_ did that?" Seaver asked, amazed. "Spencer Reid...are you sure we're talking about the same person?"

"None of us we'll ever forget that day," Hotch snapped, almost sounding offended that she was questioning them. "It took thirteen armed officers to finally sedate him. He was like an animal - he wouldn't listen to reason. It took a full month for the headquarters to be fully repaired."

"And Strauss didn't fire him?" Seaver asked incredulously.

Emily shuddered. "She was too afraid."

There was a moment of silence as Seaver stared at them with alarmed eyes. "This...this isn't a joke, is it?"

Before anyone could reply, Stauss' voice sounded from behind them."What is everyone doing standing around? There is paperwork to be done, cases to be solved!"

"All cases have been put temporarily on hold," Hotch said.

Stauss narrowed her eyes."Says who?"

"Erin," Hotch whispered. "Its...it's happened again."

Strauss stared at him for a moment before comprehension slowly dawned on her face. She let out a gasp of horror and clutched at her throat.

"Good Lord," she whispered. "No...how...we were so careful..."

"Apparently not all of us," Morgan said, shooting a cold look at Seaver.

"We...we made emergency procedures in case something like this ever happened again..." Strauss struggled to get ahold of herself. "We need to evacuate everyone before Dr. Reid gets here..."

"You need to evacuate everyone before Dr. Reid gets here," Seaver repeated. "God, I'm never going to forget that."

"You." Strauss turned to Seaver. "Shut up." She turned back to Hotch. "Aaron, we need to get everyone out of this building. Why didn't you do so before?"

"I thought it was a lost cause," Hotch admitted. "I was sure he would be back any second -"

"Well you were wrong," Strauss snapped, cutting him off. "Now get everyone out, before -"

"Hey guys." Strauss and Hotch turned to stare at each other, horror present in both of their eyes. Morgan dove under a nearby desk. Emily sank to the floor.

Seaver turned around to face the doorway of the bullpen. She never thought she'd ever be afraid of that goofy, innocent smile that Reid always seemed to have, but she could feel the beginnings of fear growing inside of her as she stared at him.

"What's going on?" Reid looked around the bullpen, still smiling. Seaver bit back a scream. "Everyone looks like they've seen a ghost.

And then he laughed.

Not many people could say that they'd seen the face of the devil - but from that day on, Ashley Seaver became one of the few who could.

She'd never look at Reid the same way again.

 


End file.
